May 2010
2 posts
1 tag
Facebook CEO Admits Privacy Mistakes... + A...
Um no shit Facebook, I could have told you that when I was friend requested by my Mom. But seriously this admittance of guilt comes from Mark Zuckerberg’s (Facebook CEO) getting caught this weekend catching a beat to some raunchy facebook photo albums. Okay that’s a lie too. Unfortunately the real story is boring, or really exciting if you’re a techie geek.
Zuckerberg has...
Italy Hosts Divorce Fair
Italy will host the Punto e a capo, meaning ‘turning over a new leaf’, which will include booths and workshops on the process of divorce and how to live alone again. This is primarily due to the increasing divorce rates in the traditionally catholic country which frowns on divorce (but shrugs at child molestation in the church). The divorce process in Italy is said to take up to...
April 2010
4 posts
4 tags
Air Force Launches Not So Secret, Secret Rocket
Last night the US Air Force Launched their secret rocket. Nonetheless the internet and news sites are streaming this public launch all over the internet leaving little hope to US civilians as to the competency of the US Air Force. The Air Force is no different then the gossip girl in middle school that swears she can keep a secret, then before you know it there’s a song about your...
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Gay Veterans Chained Up at Whitehouse
The Gay Veteran Community decided to chain each other up at the White House… but not for kinky butt sex? While some nasty rim job action may be going down inside the White House, these Vets are at the White House to demand a repeal of the current Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT) Legislature.
Lt. Dan Choi is the only one of the six discharged veterans to make a statement by calling...
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If you watch this Clip...
A little piece of you will die?
You’ll become racist against white people? (Even if you’re white).
Republicans will switch parties to anything besides what this guy is?
Democrats and all other parties will be reminded why they are not conservatives?
George Bush will start dancing to the beat?
Obama will bring out some of that Chicago thug life that he has to have and cap this...
How to Waste an Entire Workday
As if you need help with that. There are several ways to make it through an 8 hour shift without producing as much as a penny to the bottom line. Facebook, Youtube, Funny or Die, Facebook and maybe Myspace if you’re still into that kind of thing. But once creeping on old “friends” gets old then what? Youtube is a good start but it is an unorganized compilation of videos that...
March 2010
17 posts
3 tags
Barack Says it is Time to Drill it Hard into...
Obama and Palin have one thing in common these days, they both love hearing themselves talk about drilling things. Although Obama probably wouldn’t mind drilling Palin, he is more focused in drilling your mother. Mother Earth that is.
President Obama announced today expansive new plans which could put oil and natural gas drilling platforms on the Atlanta Coastline (the side that has New...
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Obama Signs Health Care Bill with Girly Fingers
After a year of beating around the “Bush,” Obama signs the Health Care Bill. Yay, Health Care sounds fun! Too bad no one knows what this bill really means. Stop, wow does that Pen look like a rocket ship in those tiny girly fingers. Wait! Is that a mechanical pencil? Ah shit, President is going in with a pencil and an eraser. Son of bitch will probably erase it in 30 minutes and...
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House Passes Health Bill; Nancy Pelosi Still Not...
The House passed a health bill yesterday, with a convincing vote of 219 to 212. All house republicans and 34 democrats denied the bill. Your mom on the other hand took that bill, she took that bill real nice.
What does this bill mean for your health care coverage? It reshapes state medicaid, raises taxes for families making over $250,000, will provide insurance to 32 million Americans who...
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March Madness has Begun
Fun Fact: from the 4.2 million people who filled out a bracket on ESPN.com only 56 of those had all 16 games correct after the first day. That is a .0013%. Crazy right, on the other hand President Obama got 12 correct. Wait, that motherf*er is filling out a bracket. Son of a bitch should be fixing the economy and figuring out what the hell is going on with health care.
I can see it now,...
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Tiger to Resume Stroking Balls on Front Nine and...
Mr. Holes announced today that he would return to the golf by playing in the Masters in early April. The masters is where Tiger won his first major, when he was still innocent sweet lil’ Tiger.
He has mentioned that he may have difficulty playing in the chastity panties that his wife is forcing him to wear while at the tournament. This comes after Tiger has undergone two months of...
The Most Relevant Article of the Recession
A March 9th Wall street Journal article listed the Top 10 Places for a Second Home. We will repeat; SECOND HOME.
Finally. I have been waiting for this article to come out for years. I have so much money and I don’t know what to do with it, if only someone would write an article about the best places to buy a second home. Only then could I put my money to good use.
Honestly, during a...
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Palin Went to Canada for Health Care
Over the weekend in a Canadian interview Sarah Palin admitted to crossing the border for Health Care up to the age of 6.
When I was 6 my sister dressed me up in pink tutus… and I loved it. Doesn’t mean I go around in pink tutus now (I got a purple one, purple is my fave). The point is that she was 6 years old. Most 6 year olds still believe in Santa Claus.
This doesn’t...
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Payday for Tiger's Ex-Homewrecker
Jaime Jungers won $75,000 for winning the “Tiger Woods Mistress Pageant” on the Howard Stern Show. Good for you Jaime, well deserved hard-earned money, GREAT JOB!
On the show Jaime also mentioned that Tiger is playing with a 9 Wood… in his pants! Now we know why his wife and him are working things out.
A lot of Tiger’s mistresses appeared on Howard Stern to talk about...
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iPad Nano has a Strip App?
The iPad Nano (some people choose to call it the iPhone), has an application that allows the user to strip the model. (Rosie O’Donnell stated this is why she bought her iPad Nano). The “Shake the Bild Girl” app starts with a girl in a winter parka and each time you shake it she’ll take off an item of clothing.
Nonetheless according to the Guardian, Apple is requesting...
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Why The Healthcare Bill Will Pass
Rush Limbaugh says he will leave the US if Healthcare Bill Passes. Suddenly this Healthcare bill doesn’t look so bad.
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Prius Owners Get Free Pass to Drive like Assholes
The associated press reported today that a California Highway Patrol Car had to help a Toyata Prius come to a stop from 94 mph. The driver called 911 when his accelerator got stuck on a San Diego County Freeway. Between using the regular brakes, the emergency brakes and getting the car on a steep upgrade they got the car to about 50 mph, after which the owner turned the car off and let it come...
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Bear Wins
Black Bear survives attack by Wisconsin Drunk. Police report that a bear bit off a woman’s spirit fingers when she ignored signs and tried to feed the cute little guy. Shortly after the incident, Lincoln Park Zoo in Manitowoc (apparently that is in America) closed to put the Bear in timeout.
The 47 year old genius lost her thumb and forefinger with two more fingers severed. Her boyfriend...
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Opinion, Would Earth be a Better Place if Nancy...
I think so.
Today Nancy Pelosi stated on CNN that “We’re going to pass a health care bill… We’ll have a very positive result, and it will be great for the American people.” Thanks for your thoughtful opinion Nancy.
This is why I hate politicians. Pelosi just thinks she and her colleagues are right on the money. They can’t prove this will or won’t...
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Mother Nature is F*ing Pissed
An 8.8 Earthquake (5th biggest recorded ever) ripped through Chile yesterday. The death count right now stands about 700 but will likely rise. This comes just weeks after the devastating Haiti Earthquake. Currently estimates of about 2 million people are misplaced by the earthquake.
This earthquake business is getting out of hand. Someone needs to bitch slap mother nature and tell her to...
February 2010
15 posts
3 tags
Harry Reid Throws a Hissy Fit or Fills up Diaper
Eleven CEO’s from big companies popped on over to DC early this morning. They were there to lobby for big businesses and argue that when big businesses succeed, so do small businesses. In fact when James McNerney Jr., the President, Chairman and CEO of Boeing (Yeah, he’s loaded) argued that when the government helps big businesses they also help small businesses. However...
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Tiger Apologizes for Beating Too Many Cheeks ?
Tiger apologized for his recent slutty actions on Friday to all of his family, colleagues and friends. He wanted to make it clear that his actions were very selfish and for this he was truly sorry (You weren’t being selfish Tiger, think about all those little home-wreckers you made happy). Tiger continued and cleared up all speculation that his wife, Elin, beat the crap out of him on that...
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Mr Holes, Aka Tiger Woods, to Meet With Press...
Picture Via AP
Tiger Woods has scheduled a press conference for tomorrow in order to apologize for his actions before returning to the PGA tour.
We expect he may say something like…
“I am addicted to holes. Ever since I was little I was trained to put things in holes with the fewest amount of strokes. At some point that mentality poured over into my personal life. My wife only has...
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Message to Children in Idaho... HIDE!
Picture Via AP
Eight of the Ten Missionaries from Idaho who were arrested on kidnapping charges in Haiti were released today after a judge let them bounce without bail. The American’s boarded a US military plane headed to Miami, one of them smiling and waving excited to leave after being held since January 29th. Two of the Missionaries are still being held since they were in Haiti prior...
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Super Bowl Breaks Rating Records
But the stats fail to take into account how many people were:
1) Blacked out
2) Playing Beer Pong
3) Playing Drinking Games and Waiting for the Commercials
4) Passed out in a Nacho and Hot Wings induced Food Coma
What were you doing while “watching” the game?
Greece Taking the Weiner... Schnitzels?
PICTURE VIA AFP/Getty Images
Greece’s Finance Minister, George Papaconstantinou*, met for a press conference on Tuesday in Athens Greece. The reason for the meeting was not so glamerous, Germany is considering providing financial backing for Greece and other European Union countries. Germany’s “co-signing” of other countries debt would help the borrowers sleep at night...
2010 Palin Halloween Costumes Released
Photo Via AP
During a recent Tea Party Speech, Sarah Palin was caught with notes written on her hand. The notes read “Energy, Tax, Lift American Spirits, and Budget,” which was crossed out. As if there was not enough Sarah Palins running around in on Hallow’s Eve in 2009, with her ability to stay in the spotlight, we suspect more clever Failin’ Palins will be well...
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Tim Tebow Puts His Mom in a Sleeper Hold
Picture via Huffpo
According to the Focus on the Family Commercial, Pam & Tim Tebow won the 2007 Heisman. I wasn’t aware it was a couple’s award. The real question though is why is Tim trying to choke out his mom? Her face says I’m happy, her hands say stop choking me Tim!
Why do you think Tim is choking out his mom?
My Digg Question to Toyota Exec, Jim Lentz
Jim, Is this truly a “default” or is this Japan waging war on America in secret (the opposite of Pearl Harbor approach, since that didn’t work out so well)? If so, I believe this is quite possibly the greatest war strategy ever. Napoleon Bonaparte is undoubtedly impressed.
Digg it here!
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This is a Really Really Really Gay Article...
Last week a gay dating website, ManCrunch.com, submitted what they hoped to be an infamous Super Bowl commercial to CBS. But CBS clenched their butt cheeks at the commercial and denied backdoor access, actually all access. CBS has refused to accept the commercial for the upcoming Super Bowl Sunday.
The commercial highlights two men watching a football game on their television rooting for two...
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Faulty Gas Pedal, or Japan’s Sneaky Way of Killing...
AP Photo
Japanese automaker, Toyota, has issued a recall on 8 of their 2010 models due to a sticky gas pedal. The sticky gas pedal is suspected in a few vehicle related deaths and the true extent of the default is unknown. This is a huge blow for Toyota as it is renowned for its quality control, or is this just part of their huge Dr. Evil plan?
The Japanese started Pearl Harbor with kamikaze...
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American Idiots in Haiti
Picture via telegraph.co.uk
Ten Americans were arrested on January 31st after being stopped by Haitian officials for attempting to kidnap 33 Haitian children. The American citizen’s claimed to be on a rescue mission where their goal was to round up 100 children, take them to the Dominican Republic, get them adopted by Americans and save their lives. The American’s attempted to accomplish...
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Six More Reasons to Want to Be Jay Z
We hate to say it but apparently Kanye West* was right, for once. Beyonce took home a female record of 6 Grammy Awards, but if Beyonce won 6 Grammys then so did Jay Z! What’s yours is mine right babe? It’s an amazing feat no matter who she’s married too or what fish stick eating d-bag called it. Beyonce received awards for the following:
- Song of the Year
- Best Female Vocal...
January 2010
12 posts
3 tags
State of Endless Standing Ovations
Everyone is talking about last night’s big speech by President Obama. He made a lot of statements, both factual and hopeful. All in all it was a great speech (although that’s not a hard task after 8 years of State of the Union Speeches from Bumbling Bush). No one can take away the fact that the Obama is charismatic, witty and humble. If only we could say the same for the room full of idiots...
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More DollaDolla Bills to Wipe Your Ass Sir ?
Obama, Bush and the rest of American Politicians have been dropping huge defishits on America. Okay, so defeshit isn’t a word, but it is definitely in America’s vocabulary. America loves spending more than it makes and digging ourselves deeper into a budget deficit; please note to make this topic more comical (pooping is funny) and relevant (we all poop) we will refer to America’s spending...
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Obama Ruins Your Wednesday Guilty Pleasures, Some...
With the big, wet, dripping, hot… State of the Union speech coming up tomorrow, we can all look forward to being pissed that nearly all the good Wednesday night programming will be pushed back or even cancelled for the evening! Well that pisses me off! Unless Obama plans on role playing a Milf (Michelle Obama probably got excited reading that) from a small town in Florida during his speech,...
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Rush Limbaugh is on Fire!
When news broke that Haiti had suffered a 7.1 magnitude earthquake and a death count of 50,000 people was expected, most people were shocked and mortified. Many asked themselves how they could help. Some were thankful to be safe at home with the ones they love knowing they were all safe. But some were like F@#* em, their fault for living there.
Soon thereafter, our Nation’s President...
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Big Businesses Plan Huge Boner Party "Come"...
The Supreme Court ruled on Thursday that corporations may drop as much dough as they want on elections. The controversial 5-4 vote decided that corporations have the same freedom of speech as any individual and overturned a century old restriction, my Grandma is pissed.
Well this makes sense; businesses have about the same amount of cash and income as you and I. Wait, that’s wrong. Businesses...
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China Penetrates Google
China is a weak nerd. Google and Obama are classroom bullies who are getting better and better at peer pressuring China. Google and the Obama team have been peer pressuring China and other nerdy countries to stop censoring the web, if you’re citizens want to watch interracial porn all day, you should let them. It’s about freedom dammit.
China has other plans though. They like...
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Shut Down By Banks, Obama Lowers His Standards
If you haven’t heard the word yet, no not the bird, Obama, Nancy Pelosi, Barney Frank and just about every other democrat in office has decided that there is no way the Health Care Reform Bill will pass (as is). They are hoping that the bill will still go through after some modifications and altering. Probably about to time to call it a week right? Hell no, Obama still got his swagger,...
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Girl Scouts Change Racist Ways
Breaking news: Girl Scouts change the name of Samoa cookie to Caramel DeLites.
Maybe this isn’t breaking news, but I’ll be damned if its not news to me. I have ignorantly eaten Samoa cookies since the age of 5, never to stop and think twice about the name. A light brown cookie, with caramel drizzle, and coated in coconut. Ohhh… Samoa. I get it, your a bunch of damn racists...
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Barney Rolls Over
Barney Frank and other Democrats are quick to give up the HealthCare fight after Scott Brown Wins Massachusetts Senator Race. Check out the full article including Barney’s direct quotes at HuffPo.
Two things are obvious from this.
Politicians give up at even the slightest challenge.
Bawney Fwank is hungwy & tiwed! (if you’ve ever heard him talk you’ll know this is a...
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Wait... Massachusetts Did What?
Mark this day, the day that Massachusetts went all bat shit and voted a Republican into Senate. Stop. Take a breath. Yes, a Republican, you know the old white guys who were all a bunch of losers in 2009. I don’t even care who this Republican is, or his agenda, the fact that a Republican won anything is a sign that the President Obama and the previously filibuster proof senate scared the...
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About Haiti, Conan have you donated?
1/18/2010
I sat at home Sunday morning, Sunday afternoon and… after a quick trip to the gym so I wouldn’t feel like a worthless pile, Sunday night. I spent my precious free time glued to my laz-e-boy, in front of my 52inch HDTV, watching NFL playoff games. I wish I would’ve counted the number of times that I was prompted to text “Haiti” to 90999, the amount of ad...